Old Friends
by dawneh
Summary: For five years John Paul McQueen hasnt heard a word from Craig Dean  so when the man suddenly contacts his old lover again John Paul has to wonder why !
1. Chapter 1

I can still remember Craig Dean so clearly. If I close my eyes I can picture every inch of him as if I had only seen him yesterday.

I can recall the rich brown of his eyes, glistening like pools of melted chocolate, framed by ridiculously long lashes that would fan out on his cheeks as he slept. I can see the fullness of his soft pink lips, curving into a gentle smile, waiting to be kissed, and that tiny mole resting above, like a drop of chocolate spilled from his eyes, begging to be tasted.

And as easily as I can recall how he looked and I can remember his voice. I can still hear the way it sounded when he spoke my name or told me that he loved me or cried out in passion as we held each other close.

I can remember Craig Dean with perfect recollection as if I had only seen him yesterday and not 5 years ago.

Five years ago when I left him behind at the airport. Five years ago when I broke his heart, and my own, by walking away. Five years ago, the last time we spoke, the last time we were ever in contact, the last time that I had ever heard from him... until today.

He had sent the letter to my old address in Hollyoaks and thankfully my mum still lives there with Michaela so the envelope was in my hands within a few days.

I recognised his handwriting instantly, I had seen it to often as we studied together, or pretended to study together.

I held the envelope in my hands for some time, turning it over and over and wondering what he could have to say after all this time, wondering what had prompted him to get in touch again and wondering if I was prepared to open myself up to him once more. Whether I could face having him back in my life or more to the point whether I could bear to refuse.

Of course I finally gave in and tore at the paper that was hiding Craig's words from me, the first words he had wanted to say to me in so long and my eyes poured over the single sheet of folded paper devouring every syllable.

"Dear John Paul

I imagine you're pretty surprise to hear from me after all this time but I've been thinking about you a lot recently. Actually that's not strictly true, if I'm honest I never really stopped thinking about you.

I have to admit I tried to hate you for the longest time, for leaving me to go to Dublin on my own, for not being there when I missed you, for not changing your mind and following me. I found it easy to blame you whenever anything went wrong in my life but in the end I had to admit that what you did – or rather what you didn't do – was probably for the best.

I did try to be the man that you wanted but in the end I guess I just wasn't ready. At the time I thought you were being stupid and childish walking away because I refused to kiss you – but that wasn't what you were really asking me to do was it? I now know that you were asking me to accept you – to accept us – and I will always regret not being able to do that.

So why am I getting in touch with you now? To tell the truth I don't really know, except that I miss you… I miss my best friend and I kind of hope that he still misses me. I've never met anyone before or since that understood me the way you did, that I could laugh with or cry with and know that I wouldn't be judged. I've never known anyone else who could make me feel happy just by walking into the room.

I'm not asking for us to be what we were, for all I know you've met someone new and you're happy, I've always hoped that you were happy, but if there was any chance that we could find the friendship again that we once had then I would consider myself blessed.

I'm living in Manchester now and I hope that you haven't moved too far away… my phone number is at the top of the page so if you want to give me a call some time I really would be happy to hear from you and maybe we could meet up for a drink.

Love

Craig

x"

I read the letter through a dozen times, always pausing at the end "love Craig x" and running my thumb over the impression of the writing on the paper.

As much as I had missed him as a lover over the last five years his friendship was the hardest thing to be without and it didn't take long for me to pick up my phone and dial the unfamiliar number, waiting with trembling hands as the line connected and the phone began to ring.

As I held the phone in my hand and listened to it ringing I noticed that I was trembling. I suddenly panicked as I realised that I hadn't taken any time to think about what I was going to say to you and I was about to hit the cancel button when the ringing ended and the call connected.

After five years I was linked to Craig again over a telephone line. After five years I heard his voice again and this time it wasn't just a memory inside my head.

"Hello?"

I smiled at the sound. The timbre of his tone was as rich and warming as I remembered and I sank into my armchair as his voice touched me.

"Hello?" He repeated, sounding a little annoyed, and I realised that I hadn't spoken.

"Craig?"

There was a pause before he spoke again. "John Paul? John Paul is that you?"

The sound of my name being spoken in his voice again took my breath away and I was glad that I was sitting down, as all the strength seemed to drain from my body.

"Yeah," I replied shakily, "Yeah it's me… I got your letter..."

"I'm glad," Craig said, "I wasn't sure… I wasn't sure you'd call… I'm glad you did."

I didn't tell him that I didn't even have to stop and think about calling him, that the thought of speaking to him again was too intoxicating to resist or that even now, after a few short words, I already feel everything for him that I ever did.

"So how's things? How've you been? How's everything" Craig sounded as nervous as I felt and I took some comfort in that.

"Everything?" I asked with a laugh, "You don't want to know much then?"

"Well it's been a long time... there's a lot to catch up with!"

I chewed thoughtfully on my lip. I didn't know what to say, we'd been best friends, we'd been lovers but we'd also been apart for years and people change, I didn't know how much he might have changed.

"You mentioned... in your letter..." I stammered.

"What?"

"You said… maybe we could meet… for a drink…"

"Yeah... yeah, what about tomorrow?" Craig asked.

"Tomorrow?" I didn't expect it to be so soon, I wasn't prepared, I couldn't meet him tomorrow, I needed time to think, to prepare.

"It's too short notice isn't it," Craig said sadly, "Another time then... we can do it another time..."

"No... no... tomorrow is fine..." But mostly I need to see him.

He names a bar in Manchester that I've never heard of and promises to text me the address when we've finished talking. And just like that I have arranged to meet with Craig Dean again. As simple as one phone call and my life suddenly feels like it's spinning on its head and my heart is filled with butterflies. I feel terrified and excited and, as we exchange a few more words and end our call, I stop to wonder if he's the same Craig that I knew, am I the same John Paul?

Meeting Craig Dean changed my life and I had told him as much the day I walked away from him. I discovered so much about myself in the time I knew him. I learned how good I could be at hiding my true feelings, how deeply I could feel love in the arms of the right person, how deceitful and devious I could be to keep him and how strong I could be to walk away and break both our hearts when I knew it wasn't going to work.

I'd thought about Craig a lot in the last five years. Wondered where he was, what he was doing and yes, if I'm being honest, who he was with, who he was loving. I could never decide if I preferred the thought of him with another man or with a woman. He had always said it was only me, the only man he could love was me, but times change, people change and in five years anything could happen.

I stand up and walk over to the mirror. How much have I changed in five years? My hair is longer now and I've long since abandoned the gel. My eyes seem to have that sparkle in them again; I don't think it's been there since the last time I saw him. Why now Craig, I wonder to myself, why contact me now.

In less than 24 hours I guess I will have the answer.

---

I don't think that I have ever taken as long to get ready for a night out. I kept on reminding myself that I was just meeting an old friend, nothing more than that. Yet somehow I still managed to iron every decent shirt that I owned before settling on the midnight blue one.

Fastening the buttons I looked at myself in the mirror and smiled. How could he resist? Shaking my head I laughed at the thought, that's not what this evening is about, I have to remember that. I can't just assume. It's been five years, we have to get to know each other again and we might not like what we find.

The taxi ride to Manchester wasn't long enough to gather my thoughts and all to soon I'd stepped through the doorway of an unfamiliar bar ready, or rather totally unready, to meet Craig again. It only took a quick sweep of the room before my eyes landed on him. He was stood leaning on the bar with his back to me but I knew it was him instantly.

Panic gripped at my chest and I felt totally unable to move. What was I doing there anyway? Wasn't everything between us dead and buried long ago? Could raking up the past really do either of us any good?

I had just about made my mind up to leave when he turned around. Just like all those years ago he seemed to instinctively know I was there, and just like all those years ago the feel of his deep brown eyes on me reduced my legs to jelly.

Trying to keep my cool I walked over to him slowly, taking in every inch of his face as I approached. So little about him had changed that I almost felt I was walking back in time.

"John Paul." The sound of my name was so much richer on his lips than it had been over the telephone and it seemed to touch my skin.

"Craig," I replied hoping that my voice wasn't shaking as much as the rest of me was. I wasn't sure what to do so I held out my hand to him.

He looked at my hand with a smile before taking it and then Craig pulled me towards him, wrapping his arms tightly around me, an action I mirrored as I held him close not certain that I would be willing to ever let go again.

Eventually, and all too soon, his arms fell from me and he stepped back as he took a hold of my shoulders.

"It's so great to see you," Craig said with a wide smile, "You've hardly changed a bit."

"Or you," I replied, "You still look great."

I'm sure he flushed a little at my words but then he never had been very good at taking a compliment, no matter how well deserved it was.

We stood in silence observing each other for a while until a cough brought me out of my reverie.

Looking over I saw the barman watching us with raised eyebrows.

"Oh yeah, right," I stammered, "Drink?"

Craig indicated that he already had one so I ordered a bottle of lager and was glad of the distraction from looking at him so that I could gather my thoughts.

"Shall we go and sit down?" Craig asked after I had been served and nodding I following him to a table at the side of the room.

For the first hour our conversation was stilted and awkward, it was as if we were strangers meeting for the first time and I felt a discomfort I had never known around Craig before.

As our talk drifted to our families and friends that we had in common I felt myself start to relax but I still had to force myself not to look to long into those pools of melted chocolate that were Craig's eyes.

"Have you seen much of Hannah these days?" Craig asked taking a drink from his bottle.

"Not so much," I replied sadly, "We kind of lost touch after… you know after everything that happened."

"I still can't believe what she was going through and none of us noticed," Craig said shaking her head.

"I know," I answered remembering how close we came to losing her completely, "I guess we were all too wrapped up in our own lives to pay any attention to what she was feeling."

"Thank god her family realised before it was too late."

"Yeah…"

There was a silence again. When had talking to Craig been so difficult? I was beginning to regret agreeing to meet him, it seemed that what we had, even the friendship was something in the past, something we couldn't recapture.

"I'm glad you wanted to see me," Craig said suddenly.

"Why wouldn't I?"

"I don't know… the way we left things back then… I wasn't sure… but I meant it you know… about missing your friendship…"

I smiled I was desperate to ask if it was only my friendship he missed but I couldn't make myself do it.

"Me too," I replied instead.

"D'you think…"

"What?"

"That we could get it back?"

"Our friendship?"

"Yeah, I still miss hanging out with you… having a laugh… I know it's been a while but…"

"I miss it too," I reply. I miss you I want to say, I want to take hold of the hand that is resting on the table. I want to pull him into my arms and kiss him and make him promise he'll never leave me again.

For a while I had almost convinced myself that I had gotten over Craig Dean. I could hear his name without wincing in pain and I could see his picture without being reduced to tears. But all it took was to be near him again to know that it had only been a charade, a front I had used to protect myself from his absence. Some people come into your life and change it beyond recognition. Craig Dean was one of those people and my life was changed because of him.

Craig was smiling at my answer and he seemed content at the promise of a renewed friendship.

"Craig?" I have to know, I have to know if that is all he wants from me.

"Hmm?"

"Why now?"

"What?"

"Why write to me now? Why did you get in touch now?"

"I… I missed you… I missed my friend." He words seemed unconvincing and they stumbled from his tongue.

"More than you did last month? Last year?" I had the feeling I was pushing him but I couldn't stop. I wanted to make him say that he still loved me and I wanted to make him say that he still wanted me.

"No… it's just… sometimes… sometimes you stop and realise what's important… Things happen to make you realise who's important… I didn't want to leave it another five years, or ten, or till it was too late to be able to find you."

"So what happened?"

"What?"

"You said things happen… what happened?"

As soon as I ask the question he can't look at me. His attention is suddenly focused on peeling the label from his bottle.

"I'm getting married... and I wanted my best friend by my side." His words came out in a whisper but the force of them collided with me like a steam train.

I want to scream at him that he can't be getting married, that he's mine and I won't allow it. But I don't have any claims on him anymore and I have to accept that he's moved on. I still feel confused as I fight for breath, I had felt so certain that his letter had hinted at wanting to get back more than our friendship but I guess that was just Craig being his usual ambiguous self, never quite saying what he means or meaning what he says.

"Congratulations," I lied forcing a smile to my lips.

Craig looks up and seems relieved at my reaction.

"She's really lovely," he enthuses, "You'd like her."

"I'm sure," I agree. I'm sure that I'd hate everything about her.

"You'll have to come around for dinner sometime, she really wants to meet you."

"I'd love to." I'd love nothing more than to never set eyes on her in my life.

As his words sink into my brain I start to frown. "She wants to meet me?" I ask, "So you've told her about me then?"

"Of course," Craig says his eyes shining brightly, "Samantha's gonna be my wife, I've told her everything."

"Everything?"

"Yeah," Craig asserts, "Everything."

"And she's OK with…"

"We were a long time ago… she understands that."

"Yeah, right… good."

I can't believe how quickly all of my hopes and dreams have been crushed. I feel like I'm 17 years old again watching Craig in the arms of Sarah and pretending that it isn't breaking my heart.

"I'm really glad you're OK with this," Craig says smiling at me. Can he really not see the pain in my eyes? I guess I've learned to hide it well over the years without him.

"Why wouldn't I be?" I ask forcing a laugh, "Like you said… we were ages ago… but mates now yeah?"

"Best mates," he says holding out his hand to me. And I take it, what else can I do? I shake his hand on our friendship and try to bury the screams of frustration that echo in my head.

I look at my watch. "I'd better be making tracks," I say trying to sound regretful.

"Already?" He asks. I know I've only been there a couple of hours but I can't stay any longer. I can't play at being happy for him when it's tearing my insides apart. I need time to adjust and put my mask back in place.

"Yeah, gotta be up for work tomorrow." The lie came easily and he didn't seem to question it as I rose to my feet.

There is a taxi rank down the road from the bar and it only takes a minute for us to get to it. We separate and head for different cars.

"Craig?" I want to shout that I love him, that I can't do this again. I want to beg him to come back with me and make love to me and never leave my side.

"Yeah?" He pauses with his hand on the cars door handle.

"It's been good to see you again." It was only half a lie. It HAD been good to see him but it had also been terrible to see him.

"You too," he said opening the car door and getting inside, "I'll call you soon."

"OK, bye." I get into my own cab and slump back against the seat. Craig might call but I wasn't sure I would answer. I'd played the part of faithful friend before, watching the man I loved in the arms of someone else, I wasn't sure I could do it again. I don't think I want to do it again.

"Bye Craig," I whisper to myself as the car pulls away, and I feel the parting as sharply as I had done that day at the airport as the only love I have ever know is taken even further away from me.

---

"John Paul for fuck sake what's going on?" Craig's voice sounded annoyed, just as it had in the last few voicemails he'd left on my mobile. "I thought you were OK with everything… obviously not… but you could at least call me back… send a text… Christ I must have left a hundred messages by now… at least let me know you're not lying dead in a ditch somewhere OK!"

He was exaggerating, but only slightly. He hadn't left me hundreds of messages but it had certainly been dozens. They started off lightly with him saying how good it had been to see me again and with each message he got more and more concerned that he only ever got my answer phone. It didn't take long for Craig to realise I was avoiding him and it was obvious he had guessed why.

I keyed in a text to him asking him to leave me alone but discarded it without sending. I couldn't even face that brief a contact with him. Better to let him stay angry with me, that way he would give up and I could go back to the life I had before he contacted me. A life where Craig Dean was a distant memory that I could pretend didn't still hurt.

Looking in the mirror I can see that the brightness has gone from my eyes again. I wish I'd never got that letter, never let my defences down again and given him the chance to get back under my skin.

Had he really thought I would be happy with his news? But then in five years Craig Dean had moved on and he had no reason to assume I hadn't managed the same. But I hadn't. I'd had other relationships of course. I'd even tried to convince myself I'd fallen in love again but it was never the same. It was never how things had been with Craig and I'd held on to the dream that it would be the same for him. It seems it wasn't.

I can't help but wonder about the woman in his life. Samantha. I wonder what she looks like, what she thinks about me and how much did he really tell her?

I doubt that Craig lied when he said he told her the truth. But I know Craig and I'm sure he edited our history to make things seem less than they were. Is that how it was Craig? Did you tell her about your poor friend who fell in love with you? Did you tell her that we were connected so deeply that it nearly killed us to be apart? Or did you just tell her that I was a mistake of your youth? That feels more likely to me. You can't have told her how much we loved each other back then, I don't think she would have been quite so keen to have that John Paul at her wedding. But it doesn't matter. She won't be having ANY John Paul at her wedding.

After two weeks Craig stopped trying to contact me. The voicemails and texts ended and I tried to convince myself that I was pleased.

I didn't want to hear from him. I didn't want the constant reminder of what I could have, of what I'd lost.

But the absence of his messages still cut me deeply. Every time my phone rang I hoped it was him and when it wasn't I felt the loss of him anew. Once again it seemed that Craig Dean was out of my life and I had to try and claw back the numbness that I had protected myself with previously. But the numbness wouldn't come. All there was was the loss, the emptiness, the large Craig shaped hole in my life that would always be there from now on.

I took to working as much overtime as I could get, even to the extent where I would offer to work extra hours without pay. Anything to keep me away from that empty flat, away from my empty life.

I'm sure it hadn't been this bad before. I'd thought I was content with my life since leaving HCC, I thought I was getting on with things and I thought I was happy. Now I have to admit it was all a charade, I was faking it the whole time to hide the lingering pain of not being with Craig. But it had been bearable because he had become a distant memory, and then he forced himself back into my life and tore it to shreds within hours. How long would it be now before I could get back to the place that I had been? How long before it stops hurting every day?

It must have been gone 10pm on that Friday night when I left the office. Working until ten o-clock on a Friday how sad is that?

The air was cold and I pulled my coat around me. I didn't usually bother driving to work unless the weather was really atrocious, as I didn't live all that far away and sometime I liked the walk, it gave me time to think. At least I used to like the walk; these days time to think is the last thing I needed.

"John Paul." The voice in the darkness startled me but not as much as the figure that stepped out of the shadows.

"Craig," I breathed as I fought the urge to run, "What are you doing here?"

"Looking for you," he answered in a matter of fact tone, "You're not an easy man to get hold of when you won't return my calls."

"I'm sorry I…" What was I supposed to say? I was busy? I lost my phone? We both knew the truth and it didn't seem worth the effort to lie. "How did you find me here?"

"Phoned your mum," he told me, "Michaela told me you worked here… so I thought I'd come and wait for you… didn't expect you to be working this late though… I'm frozen." There was a soft laugh in Craig's voice and I felt my mouth smile in response.

No matter how much loving him could hurt me being near him always made it feel worth the pain. My common sense screamed at me to get away now before it was too late but my voice asked him if he wanted to join me for a coffee in the late night café across the road.

I had to smile when he ordered tea and then complained in a hushed voice that it wasn't as good as the ones I used to make.

"What do you want Craig?" I asked looking into the cup of hot brown liquid that I didn't want.

"You wouldn't return my calls."

"You know why that is…" I look up and see his eyes staring unblinking at me, "Don't you?"

"I know." I hardly hear his reply as I am caught in the beauty of his gaze. His eyes are the colour of warm melting chocolate and looking into them I can feel myself and my resistance to him melt away.

"Don't do this again," I scream at myself but I don't listen. I let him take my hand and I revel in the touch of his cold skin, he really had been stood outside a long time.

"I shouldn't have… I didn't mean…" Craig struggles with his words and his hold on my hand tightens.

"What is it Craig?" He seems lost and I want to help him but I don't know how.

"Why didn't you…"

"What?"

"I just wanted… I thought… I wasn't sure and then I saw you again and…"

I was sure I could see tears in his eyes and it broke my heart but I still didn't understand what he was trying to say.

"Tell me Craig," I insisted, "Just tell me."

"I wanted you to tell me not to do it," Craig blurted out, "I wanted you to say that you didn't want me to get married… that you still loved me… why didn't you say it?"

I looked at Craig in disbelief. I couldn't believe what he was saying, what I was hearing.

"I care about Samantha I really do," Craig was saying as he toyed with his drink, "But it's not… it's not enough… I don't love her… not like…" He looked at me again and the look in his eyes took my breath away. "She's not you." He finished quietly.

"So don't marry her," I told him gently, "Stay with me… I love you Craig, I've never stopped loving you."

His fingers curled around mine, I could see the love sparkling in his eyes and I knew he could see the same in mine.

"Take me home," Craig said getting to his feet but not letting go of my hand.

As we left the café Craig eased his body against mine. I could feel the heat of his flesh and I could smell the scent of his skin and I remembered how happiness felt.


	2. Chapter 2

Bringing Craig back to my flat felt strange, wrong almost although I'm not sure that's the right word for it.

This place belonged to my life without Craig. A home I had found long after he had become a wonderfully painful memory and a home in which I had tried to forget him. Craig wasn't a part of the life I had that lived in this flat but now he was walking through the door and bringing my past and present crashing into each other and the idea terrified me.

Craig slumped down onto my sofa the second we got inside, sighing with comfort as the warmth took away the chill of his bones.

I don't know how long he had waited for me outside my office building but, as we left the café and headed towards my flat, he had taken my hand in his and his fingers were still frozen despite having held onto his mug of weak tea only moments earlier.

I was surprised when Craig took my hand out in public like that and I expected his grip to slip from me as we passed people on the street but it never did. If anything he held me tighter and I wasn't sure if he was trying to prove something to me or maybe to himself.

I don't know why I'm feeling so strange about having him here in my home. It's something that I had dreamed of for so long and now that the dream has become a reality I feel more nervous that I ever did when I was 17.

I can't help but wonder why he came back to me now when he was on the verge of marriage. If he didn't love her then why couldn't he simply end things before they got this far? But then this IS Craig Dean and when did he ever do anything the easy way?

Did he really need me to tell him not to go through with marrying her? What is it that I am to Craig, a reason or an excuse? Did he seek me out again for his own selfish reasons or, like me, have his feelings never died? Can we really get back the love we had shared for those few magical months?

I wonder if he has ended things with Samantha or is she just going to be another Sarah? I can't do that again. I can't become a dirty secret hidden away from the world and I have to know what it is he wants from me, but at the same time I'm afraid to ask, I'm afraid to know the answer.

I haven't looked at him since we got into the flat and the longer I stand with my back to him the harder it is to turn around. I've tried to distract myself. I've hung up my jacket and put away my keys and now I'm searching for something else, anything else, to do to make it look like I'm not just avoiding his gaze.

"Tea?" I try to sound casual but even on that one word my voice shakes.

Craig doesn't answer straight away and I hear the sound of him getting to his feet. I can feel the heat of his breath on my neck as he stands behind me and it makes my heart race.

"What's wrong John Paul?" he asks with his hands resting gently on my shoulders. The weight of his hands feels immense and I almost buckle under the pressure.

I don't know how to answer, I don't know the words and I don't even really know what it is that I am feeling, what name to give to this turmoil that is raging inside me.

He turns me slowly to face him and there it is. The thing I have been trying to avoid. The deep penetrating look of those gorgeous chocolate brown eyes and I can feel myself falling. As he looks into me with his steady gaze my heart and my body scream for him. We've been apart for too long and I can't stand it for another second.

Craig smiles and his eyes sparkle with something. Is it love? I want it to be love and, as he touches my face with his hand and then presses his lips against mine I tell myself that it is. Is must be love, what else could it be?

His mouth against mine felt so hot, so real, like he was kissing the life back into me that I hadn't realised was missing. Craig wrapped his arms tightly around me and pulled me close against him as his hands fought their way under my shirt to the bare skin beneath.

I could feel Craig's heart beating hard and fast through his chest and he must have been able to feel the same rhythm pounding out of mine. His tongue was pushing deeply into my mouth and I had no will to resist it, nor did I have the desire to. Instead I welcomed its presence, sucking him into me, enjoying the intimacy of the kiss that had haunted my dreams for so long.

When Craig pulled back from me his cheeks were flushed and his eyes sparkled brightly and this time I had no trouble recognising that look, it must have been the same look he could see in my eyes, pure lust.

"I think I might skip that tea," Craig said with a soft throaty laugh that sent tremors through my body, culminating at my groin.

"You sure?" I teased, "It would be no trouble!"

The darkness in his eyes is intense, they seem almost black, I can't tear my gaze from them and, as he looks at me, it's as if the rest of the world has ceased to exist and there is nothing but the two of us, standing together, like we always should have been.

"John Paul…" Craig says two words, my name, but it sounds like so much more. My name has never sounded so beautiful before and I watch his lips move as they shape the words.

I don't know how but without my noticing Craig has unfastened every button of my shirt and he eases it from my shoulders, letting it fall forgotten to the floor as his mouth presses against my neck.

I can hear myself moan softly as his teeth sink into my skin causing a pain that makes my body shiver with pleasure. Craig sucks my skin into his mouth and I wonder for a second if he's bitten me hard enough to draw blood but the question soon slips from my mind as his mouth moves over my chest.

As Craig's tongue circles over my nipple I have to hold on to his shoulders to keep myself from stumbling. His touch, Craig's touch, it has always made every sensation feel so much stronger and within a few short minutes my need and desire for him has pushed all other thoughts from me. All I am certain of is how much I want him and, as his hand slips into my trousers, I know that he wants me too.

Craig's mouth returns to mine as his still cool fingers circle gently around my cock, stroking it from base to tip with a feather light touch that drives me wild. His kiss is harder now, demanding and urgent and it mirrors my own growing desperation. I tear his shirt from his body but in doing so I dislodge his hold of my cock and I regret my action, as he doesn't return it immediately.

I can taste Craig's tongue as it fills my mouth, swirling around my own as our hands claw frantically at each other. I fight with his belt buckle for a moment before I am granted access to the treasure that has been kept away from me for too long. I am about to reach for my prize in the warmth of his trousers when he grips my shoulders and, with a spin, he pushes me onto the sofa where I land with little grace, raising myself up for a moment as he tugs at the waistband of my trousers and boxers, pulling them from my legs.

Trousers, shoes and sock are quickly thrown to one side and I am left sitting naked in my living room in front of the man I had loved even longer that I had been prepared to admit.

Craig kicks the rest of his clothing away, revealing his gorgeously toned body. His skin is that lightly tanned shade that I remember so well, his belly is still taught and his thighs are firm and solid but, of course, my eyes are drawn between those perfect thighs.

As Craig walks slowly towards me I can't take my eyes from his cock, standing proudly out from his body with an arousal that is all for me.

Craig stands before me, his feet planted firmly on the ground and his legs pressing closely against mine, almost holding me in place. His hands reach for my face and, as we both move forward, his cock is brought only inches from my mouth. I lick my lips for a second and turn my eyes up to him. Craig's is looking down on me with a smile as his hands continue to stroke my cheeks and a gasp escapes from his lips as I grip the base of his cock firmly.

I remember the feel of Craig's cock in my hand so vividly, the sight of it, the weight and the taste. I haven't shared my bed with many men after Craig but I haven't led a celibate life either. Yet somehow as I part my lips to taste his cock for the first time in so many years I feel the nervous excitement of youth bubbling through my chest.

I press the tip of my tongue to the head of Craig's cock and lick a slow circle around it, Craig mumbles his approval as my tongue, and my mouth, travel further over his length. The weight of Craig's cock resting on my tongue feels incredible and I start to suck on it gently. I can already taste the drops of precum leaking from him and Craig grips my face harder, pushing himself deeper into my mouth until he is completely consumed and I am breathing in the heady scent of his groin.

Craig moves his hips slowly, slipping his cock between my lips and rocking back and forwards. I turn my eyes upwards to see that he is still looking down at me, watching himself disappearing into my mouth and, I can tell by the look in his eyes and the throbbing of his cock, just how much the sight of him fucking my face is exciting him.

I suck harder against the delicious member in my mouth as he thrusts himself deeper into my throat, almost making me gag as he fills me so forcefully but it doesn't stop the attentions I am paying his cock.

Craig's hands claw at my scalp and I know that he is close, that before long he will be filling my mouth with the evidence of just how much he desires me. He is panting heavily and between the gasps I can hear my name fall from his lips in a voice deep and heavy with lust.

"Oh god John Paul!"

I hold the base of his cock firmly and suck deeply on it as I feel it pulse in my mouth and the heat from it covers my tongue and pours down my throat. I suck long and hard until every drop of him is spent and he collapses to his knees with a glassy stare.

Craig's hands slide up my thighs as he leans forward and kisses me.

"I'd forgotten how good you were at that!" He says with a smile and I take a hold of his face and kiss him deeply, sharing the taste of him as our tongues move together.

His hands move higher as we kiss and I moan into his mouth as once again he circles his fingers around my cock, tighter this time, stroking me with a firm steady motion that makes me glad I am already sat down.

Craig pulls back from my kiss and looks down at my cock, its head is swollen and glistening with drops of precum that he has already milked from me and I cry out loudly as he takes it deeply into his mouth and runs his lips over the entire length. His tongue flicks over the sensitive head of my cock and I can feel my body tremble with pleasure.

Craig lets my cock slip from his lips and he sits back on his heels and his deep, dark eyes burn into me.

"I want you," he says simply getting to his feet and joining me on the sofa.

Craig straddles my lap, with his knees either side of my thighs and leans forward to kiss me again.

As his mouth presses hotly against mine I grab at his buttocks, they are soft and firm in my hands and I massage them together fiercely. Craig reaches behind him and takes a hold of my cock, running his thumb against its head spreading my precum and his saliva over it.

Lowering himself down Craig guides my cock towards his opening. I can feel his body's initial resistance to me but Craig seems too worked up to care about that and forces himself on until his tight ring of muscle is breached and my cock sinks into his heat.

I can hear Craig let out a sudden cry of pain as my cock drives into him but it doesn't make him stop and before long I am completely inside him and he has come to rest against my lap.

"Craig…" He feels so amazing that I can't find the words but he seems to understand as he slowly raises himself, the tightness of his flesh gripping against my cock as I am pulled from him until, at the last moment he drives me back inside him and I can't hold back my cries of pleasure.

I grip onto Craig's hips as he rides against my cock with a hard urgency that my body is powerless to resist. I raise myself up to meet his descents and our flesh slaps together loudly in a room that is silent save for the sounds of our bodies and our moans.

Craig moves faster and harder against me and his breath is hot on my skin as he whispers into my ear.

"I've been thinking about this for weeks," Craig breaths heavily, "Dreaming about it really… ever since I saw you again I've been wanting you inside me… I've been wanting to make you come…"

I can feel Craig tightening his muscles around me as he rides me hard, plunging my cock deep and fast into him until I have no choice but to submit to his demands.

I wrap my arms around him and pull his body close to mine as I cry out, thrusting myself upwards, driving my cock deep into him as I come pouring my lust into his body as every inch of me trembles with the intensity of my climax.

It's a few hours later when we lie quietly in my bed. We made love twice more and never did get around to that tea but I don't think either of us really minded. Craig's head is resting on my chest and my arm is wrapped snugly around him. I can't remember ever feeling this warm, this relaxed or this content. I expect my muscles will complain in the morning but for now nothing matters but Craig.

Craig Dean back in my arms, back in my bed and back in my life. What else could I ever want to make me happy?

---

I wake up slowly, like I always do, I've never really been a "morning person" and I like to let my brain adjust to the sudden impact of the day before I even try to open my eyes. But this morning feels different and as consciousness seeps into my mind I remember why. My eyes snap open to see him still there, sleeping nestled in the comfort of my embrace and my heart swells in my chest at the sight of him.

I realise with some surprise that this was the first night we have ever actually slept together. Our relationship back in Hollyoaks had never been the kind that lent itself to falling asleep in each other's arms until morning, as much as I often wished it had.

I stretch a little, trying not to disturb my sleeping angel, and my muscles scream in complaint at the unexpected work out they had received a few hours earlier.

I can't resist kissing gently against the softness of Craig's cheek and, as I do, I feel his incredibly long eyelashes tickle my face as his eyes flutter open.

"Morning," I whisper to his sleepy smile as he turns his face to me to claim another kiss.

Craig snuggles deeper against me and closes his eyes again as I hold him tighter and rest my chin on top of his head.

This is how it should have been all those years ago if the rest of the world had only given us a chance. If we had both been given the time and the space to work out who we were and what we wanted. If so many things had been different. But things hadn't been different and now that I had Craig back in my life the past didn't seem to matter any more.

"What time is it?" Craig mumbled sleepily against my chest.

I hadn't set my alarm clock, I never did on a Saturday and I craned my neck to see the clock on the bedside table behind me.

"Ten-thirty," I told him when I finally focused on the clock face.

"Shit!" With an exclamation Craig sat bolt upright in my bed, pushing the warmth of the duvet from our bodies.

"What's wrong?" I ask him, also pulling myself upright and resting my hand on the smoothness of his back.

Craig turns his head to me and the look in his eyes cuts deep into my soul. I'd let my guard down and hoped for the happy ending I had been denied years before but I should have known better. I am a McQueen, and as such disappointment, heartache and betrayal are a way of life, I should know that by now.

Craig is still looking at me at the sorrow, regret and lies in his eyes make me want to scream.

"I need to be somewhere," he whispers climbing from my bed, from the bed that I had held him in, that I had loved him in. I want to yell at him to stay but when I open my mouth other words come out.

"Where Craig?" I ask, "Where's so important that you have to go now?"

"I'm…" And now he can't look at me, his eyes are fixed to the floor and I dread his reply, "I'm supposed to be getting married…"

"I know that but… my god you mean today don't you?"

Craig doesn't lift his face to nod his reply.

"You came to me last night… the night before you're supposed to get married..?"

I close my eyes in the hope that I'm still asleep and when I open them he's left the room. I pull on my dressing gown and follow him into the living room where he is pulling on his clothes.

"Tell me you're not going through with it," I say quietly.

Craig shrugs, "I can't just stand her up…"

"Of course not," I agree, "You go and see her and tell her it's off… Craig you don't just marry someone because you think you should…"

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry Craig," I tell him grabbing his shoulders and forcing him to look at me, "Only last night you were telling me you didn't want to marry her and now, what? You're gonna leave my bed and walk down the aisle?"

"I don't know what to do?"

"Do the right thing for once… not for me - for yourself… she isn't what you want and you know it… maybe I'm not either… maybe I was just your way of testing yourself, I don't know… but don't marry someone you don't love… doesn't she deserve better than that? Don't you?"

I recognise this feeling in my chest, this aching chasm tearing through me and as I look into the depths of Craig's eyes I feel like I'm falling and I know with a dreadful certainty that he's going to let me.

"I do love her… I think… I don't know, it's all happened so fast, Samantha, you… I don't know what I want… but I don't want to lose you… not again."

If I replaced the name Samantha with Sarah I could have easily stepped back in time. But I'm not the same person I was back then and I'm certainly not about to start living a lie, not for Craig, not for anyone.

"Get out Craig," I say dropping my hands from him.

"John Paul?" The hurt look in his eyes burns me and I turn away.

"I'm not doing this again… so just go… go and marry the poor girl if you want… go and live your normal life and make everybody happy… everybody but you that is…"

"John Paul..?" He's standing behind me and he touches a hand to my shoulder.

I spin around to face him and he steps back, I know that my face must be twisted with the anger that I can feel raging through me.

"You don't get to do this again Craig… you don't come into my life and mess with my head and then hop back to your heterosexual life like nothing has happened… you get out and you don't come back!"

"You don't mean that…"

"Don't I?" He's right, I don't mean it. What I mean, what I want to say is "Please don't leave me again… I love you don't go…" But I cant, not this time. I once told Craig that I deserved more than he was able to give me and I still do.

"If you get married today Craig," I say to him, "I never want to see you or hear from you again…"

"But John Paul…"

"Never! But if you have the strength to do the right thing… if, for once in your life, you can manage to do that… well you know where I am… now get out Craig. I can't stand looking at you another second."

I sink onto the sofa and bury my face in my hands and its not until I hear the front door close that I know he's gone.

---

I find it impossible to do anything after Craig leaves. I don't even have the energy to dress. Instead I sit where he left me, listening to the silence and staring into nothingness. If I'm honest I'm waiting for a call, a knock at the door, I'm waiting for Craig to come back and tell me that he's chosen me, that this time I don't lose. But he doesn't come back.

The morning slips into afternoon, the afternoon passes into evening and the evening is stolen by the night and all I hear is the silence. I can't help wondering where he is and what he's doing.

Is Frankie proudly toasting her youngest son and his new wife, smiling at herself that Craig's confusion over his sexuality can finally be laid to rest? Is Craig sharing the first dance with his new bride and promising her a future he can't ever hope to deliver? Is he thinking about me at all, wondering where I am?

I find the days lack of activity exhausting and the need for sleep claws at me but I can't face my bed and the memories it holds. So instead I grab my duvet and curl up on the sofa but even that brings no comfort. The scent of Craig's aftershave has seeped into the duvet cover and I breathe him deeply into my lungs as I close my eyes and wait for the welcome escape of sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

I don't know what made me take the battered, dusty old shoebox out from the back of my wardrobe. Maybe I was feeling nostalgic or maybe I was just seeing how much more pain I could cause myself.

Either way I was sat on my bare mattress staring at photographs from a life gone by. I had stripped my bed a few days earlier when I finally admitted to myself that Craig wasn't coming back and I hadn't remade it since. The sheets and duvet cover still rested in the washing machine and I had taken to sleeping on the sofa full time.

I picked up a picture of four friends and it was like looking at a snapshot from someone else's life. A happy blonde boy stood with his arm around his beautiful blonde girlfriend and next to them stood an equally attractive dark haired couple. To the outside world they looked a picture of happiness. To me it was a reminder of the pain I had felt each day as I tried to force myself into loving Hannah and ignore the growing feelings for Craig.

In another picture there was just Craig and me. Arms around each other in a friendly hug. Mates, that was what we were, all we were, best mates. How many days after that picture was taken did I first tell him I was in love with him? Not many I remember that. I still remember it so clearly, his hands holding my face begging me to tell him what was wrong. He had thought maybe Sarah was cheating on him, he certainly hadn't expected what I told him, how I felt. Everything changed that day, although we tried for a while to pretend it hadn't. But how could it not? I had told my best mate that I was in love with him. How could anything have ever been the same again?

I can't help the smile creeping on my face as I pick up the strip of pictures taken in a photo booth. I had been so happy that day, felt so alive. Our relationship had still been a secret but Craig loved me and I was prepared to wait until he could tell the rest of the world of that fact. We'd gone out into town with the pretence of shopping but it had really been an excuse to be together away from our friends and family. Just the two of us wandering around Chester laughing and happy, looking to all the world like two good friends out for the day and if anyone noticed how I would look at him with longing, well I didn't care.

Craig had dragged me into the photo booth and slipped coins into the slot as we posed for the camera. As the last flash went off Craig kissed me. His mouth had been hot and hungry and I melted into him. There had been the sounds of people outside, passing us by and only a small blue curtain had protected our secret. We had found it exciting at that moment playing with danger like that, but of course Craig had soon gotten nervous and we had slipped from the booth, both of us a little flushed.

I turned the picture strip over in my hand to see the heart and kiss that Craig had written there before slipping the pictures unnoticed into my back pocket where he would tell me to look the next day. It's hard to believe how happy I was back then. I was living a lie, Craig's guilty secret, but when I had him to myself, those times when I got to hold him, nothing else mattered and I naively thought that eventually we would be together and everyone would know. I had even thought that everyone would accept us.

If I had known all the pain and heartache that we would cause everyone, including ourselves, would I have continued things with Craig? I don't even have to consider that question, of course I would. I was too much in love to worry about anything else. I was too stupid to realise that what we were doing would affect so many other people. I so desperately wanted to believe in happy endings that I didn't consider any alternatives.

The last item in the bottom of the shoebox tears at my heart more than all the photographs ever could. I feel its cold weight in my hand as I hold it. It's a beautiful thing. An item from a bygone age. A family treasure that was given to me as a token of love. The watch that Craig had given to me when I was feeling low, when I was wondering if what we had was worth the pain of others. I held the watch in my hands as I had done on the day he gave it to me, turning it over to read the inscription, "Love always". I had believed in always back then, now I couldn't even believe in tomorrow. I had taken the watch off my wrist the day I left Craig at the airport and put it away. I hadn't worn it since. I couldn't wear it; it breaks my heart just to hold it.

I am pulled from my reverie by the ringing of my mobile phone. I consider ignoring it for a moment but there is still that lingering hope that it might be Craig.

I pick up my phone and look at the display. It's not him. The word "Mum" is illuminated and I press the button to answer.

"Hi mum," I try to force a cheerfulness in my voice but it sounds fake to my ears.

"John Paul…" Her voice sounds strained and I am instantly worried.

"Is everything OK?" My first thought is of my sisters and I say a silent prayer that nothing has happened to any of them.

"Have you seen Craig recently?" The question shocks me and I am sure that I gasp at the mention of his name.

"Craig? Why?" I ask deliberately not answering my mother's question.

"Have you seen him John Paul, or heard from him? It's really important."

"I… I saw him a few days ago," I say truthfully whilst avoiding the complete truth, "Mum, what's happened?"

"He was… he was supposed to be getting married…"

"Yeah I know…" My mother's words penetrate my mind and I realise she said "supposed to", is it possible that he did what I asked of him after all? "What's going on?"

"Frankie called me… he walked out on the poor girl at the church…"

"Oh god."

"Frankie said he was saying something about you and then he just ran… no one's seen him since… if you've heard from him John Paul you've gotta tell me… everyone is really worried."

"I haven't mum, I swear… god I didn't want this…"

"Oh John Paul tell me you aren't anything to do with all this… you've not been seeing him again have you?"

I can't answer but my silence is the only confirmation she needs and I can hear my mother's silent disapproval from the other end of the phone line.

"If you hear from him let me know OK?" She asks quietly, "Frankie is frantic with worry… and as for that poor girl…"

She doesn't finish her sentence and hangs up before I can reply. I feel a moments shame for what has happened. That I am responsible for someone else's pain, much as I had been for Sarah's. But more than shame or guilt I feel terrible concern.

"Where are you Craig?" I ask of the photographs scattered on my bed, but none of them have the answer for me.

---

My first thought after speaking to mum was to call Craig, or text him, just to make contact to see if he was OK. My second thought was remembering how I deleted his number from my phone only two days before when I finally decided he wasn't coming back. My third thought was of the letter he sent me weeks earlier with his telephone number at the top. And my final frustrated thought was of ripping that letter into tiny shreds and throwing it away.

Sometimes destroying a letter from an old lover can be therapeutic, sometimes in can be counterproductive and sometimes, like this time, it can just be a really bad move.

Of course I didn't doubt that everyone had already tried calling Craig's mobile. His mother, Jake, Steph, possibly even Samantha, so why I thought I would have had any more success I don't know, not that it mattered as I had no means of contacting him anyway. Like everyone else who cared about Craig Dean all I could do was wait for news and hope that when it came it wouldn't be the kind that could break your heart.

For three days I waited. Jumping every time the phone rang or someone knocked on the door, desperate for news and at the same time dreading it.

Who ever first thought up the phrase "no news is good news" seriously needs a good kicking. By the end of the third day I was on the verge of tearing my hair out. I think the not knowing was far worse than finding out any dreadful truth. In my mind I had imagined Craig doing everything from running away to Australia to walking in front of a speeding train and a hundred different things in between. Surely knowing the truth would be easier than this? Easier than waiting in limbo.

There are times in your life when the only place you want to be is home, which is why, five days after hearing about Craig going missing and almost two weeks since his aborted wedding I was parking my car outside the house that had been my home for many years. The house still occupied by my mother and youngest sister. The house in Hollyoaks village. Home.

It didn't matter how long I had been away there was always something about walking in through that front door that felt comfortable, safe and warm. It really was like coming home and I knew that inside those walls I would always be welcome.

I took a few days leave from work claiming a "family emergency", well Craig was as important to me as any of my family, and considering the amount of overtime I had worked recently they didn't raise any objections to my last minute absence.

"John Paul!"

My mother's arms were around me only seconds after I stepped over the threshold, holding me tightly in a way that only a mother knows how. Strong arms that promise everything will be OK, even if that seems like an impossibility.

"You've lost weight… are you eating properly?"

I couldn't help but laugh at such a typical "mother" statement and I shrugged off her question without actually answering. The truth was I had had little appetite since Craig left my flat that day, even less after I heard that he was missing. Meals would be prepared and then only picked at, sandwiches made to have only one bite taken out of them before they were quickly discarded. Food was very low on my list of priorities.

"Is there any news?" I don't know why I asked; if there had been any she would have called me immediately.

"I'm sorry son… nothing."

"Where is he mum?"

"I don't know love, I really wish I did… what happened John Paul? I thought you two lost touch long ago."

With a sigh I sink into the familiar comfort of the family sofa and without meaning to I tell her everything. Craig's letter, our meeting, my finding out he was getting married and trying to avoid him, the night he came looking for me begging me to tell him not to marry that poor girl, the fact that he stayed the night with me (OK so I glossed over the finer points of that evening) and the way that I discovered his wedding was to be that very next morning.

"I didn't realise mum… honestly… If I'd known he was supposed to be getting married that morning… I told him to go and see her… be honest with her… but you know Craig…" My head feels heavy, weighed down with the weight of so many worries and I rest it in my hands.

"You still love him don't you?" my mum asks rubbing my back like she used to when I was young.

"I don't know how not to," I answer her honestly, "I've tried so many times, but he's always there… even when I try to pretend he's not… I think he always will be."

---

"What are YOU doing here?"

I grimaced as I walked up to the bar, not that I expected much of a welcome from Frankie but her bitterness still upsets me.

"I don't want any trouble," I replied quietly.

"You should have thought of that before you ruined my son's life again."

"You can't blame ME for this…"

"Can't I? He was fine… happy… he was getting married to a beautiful girl and then YOU turn up and confuse him again."

I take a deep breath and desperately try to hold on to my temper. "HE came looking for me… none of this was my doing… Craig came to see me and told me he didn't want to get married… I didn't make him walk out on his wedding…"

"But if you hadn't messed with his head in the first place…"

I slap my hands down hard on the bar, causing a cracking sound far louder than I had expected. "If YOU had been more understanding years ago," I snarled at the mother of the man I loved so deeply, "If YOU had been able to support your son instead of being ashamed of him… If YOU had been there when he needed you… If YOU had been the kind of mother Craig deserved then maybe none of us would be here now… maybe he would have found the happiness he wanted all those years back. Think about that Frankie… why is it that Craig felt he should marry someone he didn't love? Why is it that he was so concerned with what people thought that he nearly entered into a marriage that would have made them both miserable? Why is it that Craig still can't tell you what he really wants...? I didn't cause any of this Frankie… not me."

Her eyes are cold and unforgiving as she stares at me and I know that none of my words are so much as scratching at her inflexible surface.

"I just want to know he's OK," I say gently.

"We all want to know that John Paul," she replies coldly, "But it seems you're no more important to him than the rest of us eh?"

---

As I walked through Hollyoaks village, the place where I grew up, the place where I discovered who I was, I see so many places that remind me of Craig, of those days when we thought we had forever.

Il Gnosh has long since been re-named and refurnished since Tony and Jacqui sold up and moved away, but as I walk past I can almost see two young men sat in the window. Their hands gripped tightly together under the table as they made their plans for Dublin. I think that was the first time Craig ever held my hand in public, and even though it was hidden beneath that tabletop it still made my heart sing for joy.

I pass the alleyway where I once promised him that whatever else he might lose he would always have me. I didn't keep that promise for very long did I Craig? When I walked away from him all I lost was my heart, Craig really did lose everything and I left him to cope with that loss on his own.

The fountain in the centre of the Village. A place where we would all come sometimes to sit and think and ponder the meaning of our lives. The place where Craig tried to convince me that a double date, me and Hannah, him and Sarah, would be a really good idea. So many years ago. We were just boys then, children playing at being grown-ups without ever being told the rules.

---

The stone of the old bridge is cold and rough beneath my fingers as I stand and watch the gentle flow of water beneath. Even here I have memories of Craig, of standing talking to him a few days before we were due to leave for Dublin. We stood together and looked back over our past, planned our future without realising we knew too little about either.

"Where are you Craig?" I whispered to the silent air. "Would it have been better if we'd never met? Never fallen in love? Would you have been happier if I'd never told you how I felt?"

"No."

At first the voice sounds like the rustle of the breeze through the trees, playing in my mind to become something I want it to be. But then the voice continues to speak and there is no doubting who it belongs to.

"You know if this was a Hollywood ending you'd kiss me now and then we'd go back to rounding up the cattle."

I don't turn around to look at him, instead I hold tightly onto the brickwork beneath my hands and continue to stare at the flow of the stream.

"Too bad this isn't Hollywood," I reply to him as he comes to stand beside me. "People have been worried about you."

"I know… I'm sorry… I didn't get married…"

"Yeah I heard…"

"I bet you did…"

"What are you doing here Craig?"

"In Hollyoaks?"

"On this bridge."

Craig pauses for a moment. "I don't really know… I just felt like I should come here… you?"

I have to laugh. I don't know what made me walk to this place either. It seems we can still be drawn together without realising it, even after all these years.

"Craig…" I'm startled as I turn to look at him, "You look awful…"

It's actually an understatement; I have never seen Craig look so bad. He has least a weeks worth of stubble on his face and his hair hangs in limp unwashed strands, but the worst thing is his eyes. Those bright beautiful eyes are sunk behind dark circles that tell of too much drink and too little sleep.

"I've been better," Craig admits as he runs his hands through his oily hair.

"Where have you been Craig?"

"Some run down old B&B… Trying to decide what to do next…"

"And?"

"I'm really sorry… for everything."

"Why do it Craig… why do any of it?"

Craig shrugged as he looked out over the water. He looks like a man defeated and my heart breaks for him.

"I really was gonna marry her you know. I thought… I thought I could make it work… I could be "normal" and everything would be OK… but then it got to that bit about forsaking all others and all I could think about was never being able to see you again…" Craig turned his deep sad eyes to me as he spoke. "How could I marry her when all I could think about was you?"

"Why didn't you come back?"

"I'm so tired John Paul… I'm tired of all of it… everything I do, every decision I make is always the wrong one. Whatever I do I always end up hurting someone… Sarah, Samantha, you… I can't do that any more."

"So what now?" I want to hold him so badly but I can tell he needs to talk, he needs to say this and I have to let him.

"D'you remember at the airport that day… you told me I didn't know who I was…"

"I remember."

"You were right… I didn't, I still don't… how can I ask anyone to love me when I'm still fighting myself? How can I ask anyone to be with me when I don't know who me is?"

I want to tell him that I love him no matter who he is. I want to but I don't.

"So what are you gonna do?"

"I'm leaving…"

"To go where?"

"It doesn't matter… away… far away from everyone that I've hurt…"

"Are you coming back?"

As his deep brown eyes look into mine intently I can see the traces of the young boy I fell in love with and without thinking I take his hands.

"I don't know," he replies in a whisper. "I love you John Paul."

I don't answer as Craig pulls me into his arms. I don't need to. We both know how much I love him; it doesn't need to be said, not again.

We stand for an eternity on an old stone bridge that has seen so many hearts broken and dreams fulfilled. He feels chilled in my arms, frail as if he might break if I hold on too long or too tight and I know I have to let him go.

As my arms fall from him his hands touch my face.

"You never knew," he said sadly, "How much I wanted to love you the way you deserved."

Before I can speak Craig kisses me. His lips are soft and warm and as they touch mine I can feel warm tears against my cheeks. I don't know if they are his or mine but I suspect that they belong to us both.

All I can do is watch as Craig walks away from me, just as I once walked away from him.

He hesitates for a moment. His feet stumble and he pauses, but he doesn't look back and I am eternally grateful for that fact. If he had I don't know that I would have been able to let him go.


	4. Chapter 4

It's funny how human nature works. No matter what happens to you, whatever great tragedy or loss might befall you, in the end you move on. It's not like you really have any choice in the matter of course. What other option is there? You either get on with your life or you lie down and give up. And I was never one for giving up!

I stood on that bridge for a long time after Craig disappeared from view. I watched the sunlight as it danced on the surface of the water, sparkling and alive, just like Craig's eyes had once been, just like they should be. I watched the leaves on the trees sway gently as the cool air passed through them, reaching up to touch their smoothness, remembering the smooth touch of Craig's skin. I knew that there would always be things in the world that would make me think of him, make me miss him, but I didn't mind that. I never want to be able to forget that kind of love. I never want to be without the memories of him. I never want to stop missing him.

After watching Craig walk away that afternoon I returned home, to my family home that is, and I spent a few days letting my mother fuss over me. It was a comfort to have her there. To have her understanding and her sympathy and to know I would never have her judgement.

But in the end I had to move on. I had to pick myself up and carry on with my life.

I didn't shed a tear when Craig left me that day, or any day after when I thought back on it. Not because I didn't care, but I had cried over him so often I don't think I had any tears left to shed.

---

Four weeks after saying goodbye to Craig on that bridge I found myself getting that old battered shoebox out of the wardrobe again. I smiled at the sight of those soft brown eyes; so much brighter and more alive than the last time I saw them. I didn't feel the same pain looking at his picture, or the same loss. Instead I felt the joy of having known, of him having loved him and of having been able to share my life with him, albeit for the briefest of times.

I lifted the watch from the bottom of the box and held it tightly in my hand, I could almost hear the echo of Craig's words the day he gave it to me, "I think the watch says it all." And it really did. "Love Always." I might never see Craig Dean again for the rest of my life, but until the day I died I would know that he was out there somewhere in the world and that he loved me. I would always know that Craig Dean loved me and somehow that seemed enough.

I wound the watch and set the time before strapping it to my wrist. The weight of it felt comforting and having that part of Craig with me everyday stopped being a painful reminder and became a beautiful memory.

I knew that I would never get over Craig. I had tried and failed for five years before he contacted me again. But I had accepted that I didn't need to get over him. Loving Craig Dean was going to be a part of my life forever, whatever else might happen he would always occupy a special place in my heart and I was more than happy to have him there.

---

"Oy McQueen!"

I looked across the bar in the direction of the shouting voice and smiled as I saw my workmate standing there with a pint raised in his hand. "Happy birthday," he called and I raised my own glass in thanks.

The bar had been my local since I first moved into my flat after leaving Hollyoaks and it seemed natural that I would celebrate my 25th birthday there, surrounded by the people that had become an important part of my life.

Taking a quick glimpse at my watch to check the time I thought of the one person who wasn't there, who hadn't been around for the past two years and, as I always did when I looked at that watch, I wondered where he was and how he was doing.

A hand on my shoulder quickly brought me out of my reverie as another pint was placed on the bar before me. Thanking the friend who had bought me the drink I turned my attention to the people around me. Over the years I had built up a small circle of friends and I treasured each one of them. Without realising it they had provided me with the strength and the distraction to carry on with my life without Craig and I knew I would never be able to thank them for that.

"Hey John Paul," the landlord said from behind the bar. I turned to him with a grin. He was a jovial man in his mid-fifties, with thinning grey hair and deep brown eyes that twinkled mischievously whenever he smiled. I didn't know anyone who had ever managed to dislike the man and I considered him a good friend.

"What's up Steve?" I asked him as I emptied one of the pints that were lined up for me on the bar.

"Here." Steve handed me an envelope before walking away to serve another customer.

I was surprised to receive a card from the landlord of the bar but as I turned the envelope over in my hands I recognised the handwriting that had inscribed my name.

I tore open the envelope and pulled the card from its paper covering. I hardly paid any attention to the decoration on the front as I flipped it open to see the writing inside.

"To John Paul

Happy Birthday

Love Always

Craig

x"

My breath caught in my chest. Two years ago Craig Dean had told me that he loved me before walking away and I had never heard from him since. So how was it that a birthday card from him had ended up in Steve's hands?

"Hey Steve," I called across the bar to get the older man's attention, "Where did you get this from?"

"Young fella," Steve explained nodding to the other side of the room, "He was just over there... asked me to pass it to you."

I looked to where he indicated but the area was empty.

"He must have gone," Steve said with a shrug, returning to his work.

"Craig was here?" I whispered under my breath. "I'll be right back," I told a friend beside me before heading for the door.

The air outside was cool and my breath misted before me. I spotted him immediately, standing across the road looking back at me. He looked amazing. His skin glowed richly under the streetlight and his hair glistened with a deep lustre. But most amazing of all were his eyes. They sparkled with a deep inner light that made me want to weep. He looked so much like the young boy I once knew, but he looked so much more as well.

I crossed the road slowly, approaching him with a nervous anticipation until I was stood close enough to touch him. But I didn't touch him.

We stood in silence simply taking in the presence of each other until I felt sure I must have been dreaming.

"Craig…" His name fell from my lips in a gasp of awe.

"Happy birthday John Paul," he said smiling at me and then it was. A very happy birthday.

I looked at him for an eternity. Taking in every inch of him, memorising him in the fear that this could all be just a fleeting visit.

"You're back then?" I very nearly smacked myself for that comment, of course he was back, he was standing right in front of me. Thankfully Craig just smiled.

"Yeah I'm back…"

"You living back home or…"

"Nah… been staying with Debbie."

"Debbie? In London?" God I wanted to touch him so badly. I felt like a nervous teenager making idle chitchat in the hope that eventually a kiss would follow.

"Yeah, for now."

I frowned.

"So how come you're in Chester tonight?"

Craig took a step forward and I could smell the rich scent of his aftershave.

"I came to drop off your birthday card!"

"How did you know I'd be at this pub?"

"You mentioned it once," Craig said with a grin, "When we met for a drink that time… you told me the name… said you were a regular… I figured even if you weren't here tonight they'd still pass the card on to you."

I couldn't believe what Craig was telling me. Had he really travelled down from London just to deliver a birthday card for me?

"But you didn't stay…" I gestured towards the pub as I spoke.

"I didn't want to intrude," he said with a shrug, "I didn't know if you were… with anyone."

"I'm not," I blurted out, "I mean I am… but friends… just friends… no one…"

He smiled and I smiled. We both knew what we meant even if we were having a hard time getting our words out.

"Are you gonna come in for a drink?" I asked him hopefully.

"I dunno," he said looking around him, "I've got a long drive back to London…"

"Please Craig," I said lifting my arm and finally making contact with him as my hand touched his chest, "It's my birthday… what kind of a birthday would it be without my best friend there?"

Craig smiled as he looked down to where my hand rested against him. I could feel his heart beating against my palm and I had to fight the desire to pull him against me.

Craig took hold of my hand and laughed gently as he saw what was on my wrist.

"You still wear it?" he said in surprise at the watch I now wore everyday.

"I didn't," I admitted, "Not for a long time… but then…"

"But then?"

"But then… I realised it was good to have something of you close to me…"

Craig let go of my hand and I instantly missed the warmth of his touch.

"Come on then," he said with a grin, "I'd better get the birthday boy a drink."

It seemed strange introducing Craig to my friends. I'd never really spoken about to him any of them. He'd been mine, a part of my life I wasn't prepared to share. A pain I didn't want comforting for and a loss I didn't want telling that I would get over. As I told people his name I hesitated. What did I describe him as? An old friend, an ex, the love of my life, the only man who ever made me feel complete or was he my future?

As I contemplated the question Craig took the problem away from me by shaking the hands of my friends and falling into easy banter, charming each of them with a skill I had always envied.

Craig's one drink soon turned into two and then three and then more as the evening wore on and we both knew, without discussion, that he would never be able to drive back to London now.

I sat facing Craig at a corner table as the bustle of the bar continued around us. My hand rested on the cool wooden table top just inches from his but I couldn't quite breach that distance, I still didn't know if that was what he wanted, if it was what he came back for.

I wanted to know everything that he had done since I last saw him, everywhere that he had been, and I asked him incessant questions. But the one question I really wanted to ask I kept to myself.

"So tell me," I insisted as I drank slowly on my pint.

"What?"

"Everything… where did you go?"

"Where didn't I?" Craig replied with a laugh. I'd missed that laugh, it sounded so alive and it felt good to hear. "I just travelled," Craig continued, "I didn't really stay anywhere for long… picking up jobs along the way… I don't know… I just… I just spent time being me."

"It obviously agreed with you," I said looking into the richness of his beautiful eyes, "You look amazing."

I think I blushed as I said that, I had never meant to say it but Craig didn't seem to notice, or at least he never commented on it.

"You don't look too bad yourself," he laughed, "You look as good as you always did."

Craig looked at me as he took a deep drink, his eyes never falling from mine.

"There was this one time…" Craig began and then hesitated seeming unsure that he should continue.

"Go on," I insisted.

"Well it's just… well there was this girl I met one time, about six months ago…" I tried not to grimace at those words. Of course Craig would have met people, made friends, lovers, it would have been unreasonable for me to expect otherwise. "And we got on really well… she was like…" Craig's eyes seemed to glaze as he spoke, the memories filling his mind. "I don't know… anyway… there was this one time when we were sitting on a beach and it was really late, or really early, and there was just me and Kathryn, there seemed to be no one else around for miles and the beach stretched out before us, it was like it went on forever. As we sat there the sun began to rise. It was so beautiful; you know the kind of real beauty that only nature can create. It was as if the whole world was on fire and I couldn't take my eyes from it… it was breathtaking…"

"Sounds incredible," I replied. And it did, it sounded wonderful and I envied this girl for sharing that moment with him.

"Anyway… there we were sitting on the beach watching the start of a new day and all that beauty and all I could think was how much I wanted to share it with you." As Craig's gaze returned to mine I felt as if there was no one else in the room but the two of us, his voice sounded rich and hypnotic and it was as if every word caressed my skin.

"So there I am sat beneath a gorgeous sunrise with a beautiful girl and I'm telling her all about you…"

"You told her about me?"

"Why wouldn't I?"

"Didn't she mind… I mean wasn't she…"

Craig laughed softly. "She was just a friend John Paul… that's all… I ended up telling her everything about you… about us… that morning… right from that first day when you set the fire alarm off in the school to the moment I left you standing on that bridge. I must have talked for hours and she just let me… I told her things I'd never told anyone… about what I did, how I felt, everything… and when I finished she said…"

"What did she say Craig?"

"She said "If I ever loved anyone that much then I wouldn't let anyone keep them away from me" and that's when I knew…"

"Knew what?"

"I knew I'd be coming home for you… not right away maybe… but I knew I would and I just hoped that you'd still be here."

"I'm still here," I said gently.

"I know," he replied as his fingertips brushed lightly over mine sending fireworks rocketing through my body.

I don't know how long we simply sat like that. Looking at each other, not speaking and our fingertips bridging the distance between us. Craig's eyes seemed to be drinking me in and I felt like I was being consumed by his stare. I think I could have happily sat looking into the depths of his eyes for a hundred years and considered it time well spent.

"Listen," Craig said suddenly, tilting his head to one side as a wide grin spread across his face, "D'you remember this song?"

I listened for a second and quickly recognised a song from our youth. A song that had been a part of our wonderful summer together and had always seemed to speak directly to me.

"I remember," I said, answering his grin with one of my own, "I always felt like it was written for us… you know?"

"I think it was," Craig said as we both listened to the lyrics of a song that told of our lives.

"I can't stop this feeling I've got,  
I know who I am and I know what I'm not  
I know what I've gained and I know what I've lost  
But I can't stop this feeling I've got."

"Dance with me."

"What?" Craig's request took me completely by surprise.

"Come on," he said getting to his feet, "Dance with me."

"Here?"

"Why not?" Craig held out his hand to me and he was right, there was no reason not to join him.

As Craig's arms slipped around me I felt the missing part of my life, of my heart, falling back into place. I rested my head on his shoulder as I held him close and we rocked gently to the music playing around us.

I can honestly say that I don't know what reactions our dancing had amongst the other customers that night. I didn't know and I didn't care. All I knew was that Craig Dean was holding me again after all this time and I never wanted to let him go again.

"Ah you don't really look so easy  
You spend a lifetime looking for someone  
And then they come and you're just so uneasy  
You get the feeling that if I don't come  
Then there's one more story be on your way"

Craig's hands stroked gently at my back and his breath touched my neck with its heat. My body felt alive pressed up close against his and my heart raced with the joy it had long since forgotten.

"The sky may fall the sea may split  
You may say that isn't it  
I may be right you may disagree  
Same old story same old me  
And I don't know what you mean to me  
But I'm starting to think its just a mystery  
I've got to admit its just a mystery"

As the last notes of the song faded Craig's grip around my body relaxed but he didn't let go completely.

Moving back slightly he looked at me again and the look in his eyes made me want to weep. The look in his eyes made me want to sing for joy. The look in his eyes made me want to love him for the rest of my life.

"I love you John Paul," he said, lifting his hand to my face and stroking it softly.

"I love you too." It didn't need saying but I'd waited for two years for the chance to tell him again and I wasn't going to let the opportunity pass me by.

His mouth was soft against mine and as he kissed me I knew that he wasn't the only one who had come home.

I don't remember getting drunk and it certainly hadn't been my intention. But it was my birthday and Craig was home, I had more than my fair share of reasons to celebrate. Which is how I ended up leaning against my front door in the early hours of the morning giggling like an idiot completely unable to get the key into the lock.

"Let me try," Craig said trying to take the key from me.

"No, no, I can do it," I insisted before guiding the key towards its designated slot, and missing completely.

"You're pissed!" Craig accused as he slipped an arm around me to stop me from falling.

"I am," I agreed, "Get me another drink!"

"How am I supposed to do that when we can't even get through the front door?" Craig chuckled.

"Good point." I jammed the key at the lock and it still refused to slide home. "I think we're in trouble… the lock's broken!"

"Come 'ere…" Craig took the key from my hand and unlocked the door with ease.

"How did you manage that?" I asked in amazement as I stumbled through the open doorway.

"Magic," Craig told me as he followed me inside closing the door behind him.

"Wow!"

Leaning back against the wall I watched as Craig approached me. The very sight of him took my breath away and I didn't know how I'd managed to survive so long without him. It was as if someone had returned the sunlight to me and I was bathed in his warmth.

I'm sure I must have looked a mess in my drunken dishevelled state but I felt wonderful and, as Craig cupped my face and kissed me gently, I experienced a degree of happy that I didn't even have a word for.

I woke with a pounding head and a raging thirst but underneath it all was the warm feeling of contentment that I had thought I would never have again. I lay still for a while just remembering the fact that Craig was home, that Craig had come home, to me.

Meeting Craig all those years ago really had changed my life in more ways that I think I even realised at the time. Falling in love with him had given me the courage to admit who I was even if doing so had terrified me beyond belief at the time. Walking away from him had shown me how strong I could be, even if it had meant breaking my own heart. But the biggest impact Craig had on me was in showing me how to love. How to really love. Without compromise or question, even when we were apart that love had stayed with me and now he was back I was determined never to lose it again.

The pain in my temples and the dryness in my throat finally persuaded me to move and, as I tenderly raised my head from the soft pillow I was surprised to discover that I was alone.

I was naked beneath the duvet and my clothes were neatly folded on a chair across the room. I was almost certain that I hadn't managed that task on my own. Rubbing at my head memories tentatively tiptoed back into my mind, flashes of laughter and kisses and of unashamed joy.

I half recalled stumbling into my room and falling back onto the bed in fits of laughter, pulling Craig after me and telling him over and over how much I loved him, really loved him. A vivid image of Craig's smouldering eyes filled my mind as they looked at me. His gaze said that I was the only person in the world and that he adored me more that words could ever describe.

I know that I wanted Craig so badly right then, just like I know that he turned me down with a gentle laugh as the excessive alcohol consumption finally reduced me to an unconscious mass.

Craig must have put me to bed after that that much was obvious. But where did he go then?

Dragging myself from the comfort of my bed I wandered to the bathroom to consume some aspirin and drink down several tumblers full of water. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and winced. My hair stood out at several unruly angles and my eyes, normally a warm shade of blue now had a bloodshot tinge of pink about them. But despite the pain in my head and the horror in the mirror there was still a smile on my lips.

As I padded back towards my bedroom something made me pause and head instead into the living room where I found a figure bundled up under a coat on my sofa.

Tiptoeing over to the sofa I crouched down and for a moment I watched the face of a sleeping angel.

Craig's long dark eyelashes fanned out over his soft smooth cheeks and his full pink lips curved into a gentle smile as he slept.

My heart felt full at the very sight of him.

There were times before Craig when I thought that I had found love and there were times after when I tried to convince myself that I had. But looking down on Craig's sleeping face I knew that this was what love really felt like. This was the kind of love that inspired great songs and works of poetry. This was the love men fought and died to protect. And this was the love that I was lucky enough to have found, lost and then found again. This was the love I was never going to let go of.

Craig mumbled in his sleep and I couldn't resist leaning in to kiss his forehead. His eyes fluttered open as I moved back and their dark beauty enveloped me.

"Sorry," I whispered, "I didn't mean to wake you…"

"It's OK," he whispered back, "How are you feeling?"

There was something about the darkness of the room and the lateness of the hour that kept our voices hushed and low.

"Rough," I admitted, "Guess I had a few too many."

"A few," Craig agreed with a laugh.

"I thought you'd gone."

"I told you I wouldn't…"

"Did you?" It seemed there were still some of my memories absent without leave.

Craig lifted himself up on his elbow and I could see that he was still fully clothed under the coat, making me suddenly aware of my own nakedness.

"Where was I gonna go?" Craig continued, "Everything I need is right here."

"Craig why…" I hesitated for a moment but I had to know, "Why are you sleeping on the sofa?"

Craig smiled and once again the warmth of it covered my flesh. "John Paul," he said so gently as he touched my face, "I don't think we should rush things… not this time… I don't want to do anything that will ever spoil this… let's take it slow eh? Let's get to know each other again… it's been a long time."

Only Craig Dean could make not wanting to sleep with me sound so perfect and, as much as I wanted him, the reasoning behind his words rang true for me. Besides just having him with me was more than enough, the rest we could build on together and discover each other anew, as if it were the first time.

"Come to bed with me Craig…"

"John Paul!" Craig's voice rose in objection.

"No," I said, "I don't mean that… I … I don't want to sleep alone any more… not when you're here, not when you're so close… I just want you to hold me…"

Craig smiled as he pushed his makeshift covering from his body and got to his feet, raising me up after him until we were stood face to face.

As Craig looked at me I felt beautiful. I had seen the horror of the hung-over man in the mirror only minutes earlier but Craig's eyes reflected none of that image. Craig saw beyond the bloodshot eyes and crazy bed hair. Craig saw the man that loved him, just as looking at Craig, I saw the man that loved me.

Climbing back into my bed I watched as Craig folded his clothes into a neat pile on the floor and then slipped his naked body in beside me.

"Now no monkey business," Craig teased as he opened his arms to me and I rested my head against his chest.

I laughed gently and pressed my lips to his warm skin. His heart beat a gentle rhythm in my ear as his fingertips ran lightly through my hair, soothing my still pained head and relaxing my whole body.

I closed my eyes and let the warmth of Craig's arms and the tenderness of his touch lull me back into a contented sleep.

I don't know if Craig had expected me to try for more from him right then but, with vast quantities of alcohol still coursing through my veins and a headache still pulsing through my temples, having him hold me really was all that I had wanted, all that I had needed.

As I drifted towards sleep I'm sure that I heard Craig's soft voice whispering to me in the dark.

"I love you."

Of course it could have been a dream. But I knew it wasn't.


	5. Chapter 5

When I next woke the pounding in my head had left me but the scratchy dryness in my throat persisted and I was pretty certain that it would stay with me for the remainder of the day.

A small shaft of sunlight snuck through a gap in the curtains casting a soft glow over the room and I felt perfectly at peace.

As I turned my head to smile at Craig I found the bed beside me empty, casting my eyes nervously around the room I spotted his clothing still folded in a neat pile on the floor. I breathed a soft sigh of relief and wondered how long it was going to be before I wouldn't wonder where Craig was and if he was coming back every time he was out of sight.

Just as I was considering climbing from the comfort of my bed the door was kicked open and the sight of the figure entering the room took my breath away.

Dressed in nothing but his boxers Craig's softly tanned skin seemed to glow in the gentle beam of light as it touched him. I swallowed hard as he walked into the room, the muscles in this thighs moved enticingly with each step and the strength in his arms flexed as he carried a tray laden with toast, coffee and orange juice. Craig's belly was taught and his abs firm as he placed the tray at the foot of the bed and climbed next to me.

Crossing his legs in front of him Craig pulled the breakfast tray towards us as I shuffled into a sitting position, keeping my eyes firmly on the food as the sight of his body was proving too much of a distraction.

"I thought you could do with this," Craig said handing me a mug of strong coffee.

"Thanks," I said taking the drink and sipping at the hot bitter liquid. I was so completely aware of Craig's bare skin and its close proximity to me that I could hardly think straight. Despite the strong aroma of the coffee that I held close to my face I could still smell the scent of Craig's familiar aftershave and I longed to nuzzle my mouth into his neck and breathe that fragrance deeper into my lungs.

"John Paul?"

"Hmm?" I realised that Craig had been talking and I hadn't heard a word as every atom of my mind had been concentrating on the curves of his muscles, the firmness of his thighs and the tempting softness of his skin.

"I said d'you want some toast?"

"Err yeah… thanks…" I picked up a slice thickly covered with jam from the tray and took a large bite. As the sweet fruit spread filled my mouth I lifted my eyes to Craig's and saw this gaze looking down on me with amusement. The depths of his brown eyes seemed to pull me in and I lost all sense of myself as I fell deeper into him.

Craig's eyes never left mine as he took the coffee from my hand and replaced it on the tray.

"John Paul?"

The sound of my name on his lips, the lips that curved so beautifully to say it, was hypnotic and I almost forgot how to breathe.

"Yeah?"

Craig's fingertips trailed lazily over my bare arm and I trembled at his feather like touch.

"You know what I said… about taking things slowly and everything..?"

"Yeah…"

"Well I might have been wrong…"

I jumped as the toast, which had sat forgotten in my hand, suddenly landed against my chest with a sticky squelch.

Laughing Craig peeled it from my skin and dropped it back onto the tray.

As I raised my hand to wipe the jam from myself Craig stopped me, his eyes glistening as they fell to my chest.

"Allow me," he breathed and my hand fell back to my side.

I gasped slightly as the heat of Craig's tongue brushed over my skin, slowly licking the sweetness of the jam from my body and expertly caressing my flesh.

Long after the droplets of jam had been consumed Craig's tongue continued to cleanse my chest, swirling around my nipples and bringing them instantly to attention as his teeth nibbled gently against them.

"God Craig…"

Craig's mouth moved up my throat and over my chin before finding my mouth. The jam tasted sweet on Craig's lips, a taste he shared with me as he kissed me deeply. His tongue eased into my mouth and I sucked it hungrily, it tasted far better than any jam ever could.

I turned my body towards Craig, pulling him close to me and as I did my foot caught the breakfast tray sending it crashing to the ground and spilling its contents over the floor.

"Shit," Craig said pulling back from me and looking over the bed where the dark coffee was already sinking into the pale carpet.

"Forget it," I insisted as I pulled Craig back against me. Carpets could be replaced but some moments in time were too precious to lose.

----

I had almost forgotten how good touching Craig could feel, how the softness of his skin and the heat of his mouth could turn me on in a heartbeat. I had almost forgotten but as Craig's tongue explored my mouth and our bare chests pressed tightly together my body instantly remembered how much it had always craved him.

I ran my hands over his broad back as his mouth moved to my neck, his teeth sinking into my flesh making me whimper at the wonderful pain that sent tremors through my body. I moved my hands lower and hooked my thumbs into the waistband of his boxer shorts, pushing them downwards as Craig rose up on his knees before me. Kissing his chest slowly I savoured the taste of his beautiful skin, running my tongue lightly over his firm belly and tickling over that fine line of hair that guided me ever lower.

Craig rested his hands on my shoulders for balance as he slipped his boxers from his legs, leaving his perfect naked form exposed before me. I leant back against the cool wooden headboard and drank in the beautiful sight before me. If I had thought he was breathtaking earlier I had no words for how gorgeous he looked now. His face was flushed with arousal and his chest heaved with heavy breaths as the firmness of his cock stood out between us, begging for attention.

Craig's eyes were wide as they looked at me and once again I fell into them. Craig sighed softly as I ran my hands up his thighs and our eyes locked together as we reaffirmed the love we saw in them.

Craig's balls felt cool and heavy as I cupped them in one hand and he whimpered quietly at my touch. His eyes slipped closed and he moved his hands to rest against the wall behind the bed as I leant towards him and ran my tongue over the spheres in my grasp.

Sucking one of Craig's balls into my mouth I wrapped my fingers around his cock, feeling it pulse enthusiastically as I stroked it gently.

The taste of Craig was more perfect than anything I could ever recall and I needed to consume him completely, to take him into me and join our bodies together.

Releasing his ball from my lips I raised my head to his cock and licked slowly at its smooth head, listening to the sounds of Craig's gasps and moans as I probed the tip of my tongue into his tender slit and licked hungrily at the drops of precum that greeted me.

Craig pushed his hips forward, urging me to take him into my mouth and I was more than willing to comply as I parted my lips. His cock felt hot and firm against my tongue and I moaned against it as it filled my mouth.

I sucked him deeply into my mouth and swirled my tongue around him as he rocked slowly against me, slipping his cock back through my lips before filling my mouth once again.

"Oh god…" Craig's breaths were already coming in heavy pants and his cock throbbed heavily as he continued to make love to my mouth. As I sucked hard against him I grabbed his buttocks with both hands and kneaded firmly at the soft flesh. The volume of Craig's moans were getting louder and I knew he was close, that my mouth would soon be filled with his essence.

I slipped my finger into the corner of my mouth, coating it with saliva for a moment before prising his buttocks apart and circling around the tight hole nestled between.

Craig thrust his cock deeper into my mouth as I pressed into his entrance, easing my finger gently into him and making him whimper with pleasure. Slowly moving my finger in and out of Craig's tight anus I pushed deeper into him until I found the spot that made him cry out. Sucking hard against his cock I pressed against that exquisite gland until he could resist me no longer.

Craig's body shook as his cock pulsed its hot liquid into my mouth, pouring down my throat as I sucked it into me, consuming every drop until he had nothing left to give and I reluctantly let his cock slip from my lips.

Craig's eyes shone as he looked down on me and he cupped my face, lowing his to meet it he kissed me hard and long, my tongue pushing into his mouth and sharing the taste of him that still lingered there.

"I want you John Paul," he whispered as his mouth peppered my face with soft kisses.

Spitting on my hand I gripped my cock, coating it with saliva as Craig moved to straddle me and lowered himself down.

I guided my cock between his buttocks and drew slow teasing circles with its head, tracing around his opening and tantalising us both.

I gasped loudly as Craig pushed himself down onto me, his hot flesh refusing my cock for an instant before relenting and letting me plough deep inside him.

Craig whimpered for a moment with the initial discomfort but our combined desire was so great that he didn't pause until my cock was buried deep inside him and he was sat against my lap. I don't think anything in the world could ever feel as wonderful as being inside Craig. My cock seemed to fit perfectly inside his hot passage, which in turn, wrapped around my cock and gripped it tightly.

Running his fingertip over my face and tracing my lips Craig gazed at me and I thought that I might die of pure happiness. His eyes shone with adoration as he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close.

"I love you so much," Craig whispered as he nibbled against my ear, "And this time nothing's gonna get in our way… nothing."

"Craig I…" My voice broke as emotion welled up inside me and hot tears suddenly covered my cheeks. Smiling at me Craig kissed the tears away as he slowly rose up, pulling my cock from his body and then falling back down onto it and consuming it completely.

I held Craig tightly as I raised myself to meet his descents and we rode together in perfect harmony, his body caressing my throbbing cock as I drove deep into him.

Our mouths pressed together in a deep lingering kiss as the pace of our lovemaking increased and our bodies were slick with sweat. I moaned uncontrollably into Craig's mouth as the incredible pressure in my groin increased and he moved harder and faster against me, urging me on to final release.

Curling my arms around Craig I gripped his shoulders and pulled him hard against me, thrusting myself upwards and driving my cock deep into him as I cried out in pleasure. My cock pulsed into Craig's body, pouring my desire into him as my whole body shook with the force of my climax.

As my orgasm subsided I allowed my body to relax and my head fell hard against the wall with a thud making me whimper with the sudden pain.

"Are you OK?" Craig asked with a sympathetic laugh as he slipped from my lap, making me mourn the presence of his body around my cock.

"I've never been better," I told him honestly as I rubbed my head, "I love you Craig."

"It's taken us such a long time," Craig said with a smile as he snuggled close beside me and took hold of my hand, "But you've been worth the wait… Will you do something for me John Paul?"

"You know I will if I can," I replied curling my fingers around his.

"Come back to Hollyoaks with me…"

"What for?"

"I want to go and see my mum… I want US to go and see her…"

"Are you sure?" I recalled my last meeting with Frankie Osbourne and tried to keep the grimace from my face. After all she WAS Craig's mother and he loved her, no matter what. "Craig… the last time I saw her…" I really didn't relish telling him about that conversation.

"I know about that…" He said with a smile.

"You do?"

"Yeah she told me…"

"I bet she did…" Just like I bet she made me out to be some uncaring monster that shouted at a woman worried for her missing son.

"None of that matters now," Craig was continuing, "That's all in the past… we can't do anything to change it… but I want to look forward to the future now… together… and I need to see her… I need to tell her myself… will you come with me."

I lifted Craig's hand to my mouth and kissed his fingers. "I'll go anywhere with you," I told him because I knew wherever Craig Dean was, that is where I wanted to be.

----

Standing outside the Dog in the Pond with Craig felt surreal. It was almost as if we had taken a step back in time. The wooden tables were occupied in the late afternoon sun and I smiled at a few familiar faces, but on the whole the people around us were strangers. Students from HCC who had enrolled long after I left or new families who had moved into the area since I moved out.

We stood side by side staring at the door and I wondered if Craig's heart was pounding as heavily as mine was. We were grown men, I had just turned 25 but I suddenly felt 17 again and I didn't know if I had the courage of my convictions to confront Frankie in this way.

Craig's hand reached for me, his fingers wrapping around mine tightly and squeezing them in a show of simple reassurance that he would have been unable to offer a few years ago and I knew I wasn't 17 anymore.

"Here we go then," Craig said taking a deep breath and taking a few tentative steps forward.

I held onto his hand tightly and we walked into the pub together.

The décor of the pub was unchanged since my last visit a couple of years ago and its familiarity was comforting and disturbing.

There were few customers inside and we saw Frankie at one end of the bar.

Craig walked up to her, still holding my hand and smiled widely.

"Alright mum?"

"Craig!" Frankie's eyes sparkled with joy as she saw her youngest son, "Debbie said you were back in England… I've been waiting for you to call…"

"Sorry… I had a few things to sort out… but I'm here now."

Frankie seemed to notice me for the first time and her smile faded. "So I see," she said coldly.

"Can we go upstairs mum? I really need to talk to you."

"I'm busy…"

Craig pointedly looked around the quiet room and raised his eyebrows.

"OK fine," Frankie agreed begrudgingly and led us up to the flat that had once been Craig's home. The flat I had once been gladly welcomed into as his friend.

----

Frankie sat on the sofa staring at her hands as we stood before her. I had the overwhelming feeling of a naughty schoolboy brought before the headmistress and I had to stifle the urge to laugh.

Craig let go of my hand and knelt before his mother, raising her face to his.

"I've missed you mum," he told her gently.

"Have you?" Frankie didn't seem so sure.

"Of course I have… you're my mum, the only one I've got." Craig pulled his mother into his arms and held her tightly and for the first time since our relationship became public all those years ago I really felt for Frankie. Overnight everything she had thought she knew about her youngest child had changed and she had struggled to accept it.

In the space of a few minutes I had stopped being Craig's best friend and become his lover. Craig had found the change hard and I don't know why we should have expected our friends and families to find it any easier.

"Craig." There were tears in Frankie's voice as she spoke her son's name.

"I love you mum," Craig said leaning back at looking at her, "I'll always love you, you know that…" Craig got to his feet and took my hand. "But I love John Paul too…"

"But Craig…"

"No, mum… this is the way it is… I've tried being without him, you know I have and you know what a mess I made of that… I love him mum, and I'm miserable without him… you don't want me to be unhappy do you?"

"No of course not… but I just don't understand…"

Craig moved back to his mother and took hold of her hands. "You don't have to understand," he told her kindly. "Hey I don't know what you see in Jack," Craig laughed softly, "But I know he's a good man, and I know he loves you… Can't you see the same in John Paul… I need him to be welcome here mum…"

"I don't know…" I could see the struggle in Frankie's eyes as she spoke, "I don't know if I can accept that my son is gay…"

I held my breath for a moment. That word. That terrible, wonderful word that had always put Craig on the defensive seemed to hang in the air.

"It doesn't matter what I am mum," Craig said, "Gay or straight… none of that matters… I'm happy, isn't that what counts? Please mum, don't turn me away again."

Frankie pulled her hands back from her son and held them uncomfortably in her lap.

Getting back to his feet Craig slipped an arm around my waist and pulled me to him.

"I do love you mum," he said with a touch of sadness in his voice, "But don't make me choose. John Paul will win every time. I can't live my life without him, not anymore."

Frankie stood up and looked at us. It was probably the first time she had ever really looked and seen us.

"If you ever hurt my son…" she said looking me directly in the eye.

"I won't," I promised her in a promise I intended to keep until my dying breath.

Without warning Frankie pulled us both into her arms. Her embrace was awkward and uncertain and it felt strange to put my arm around her, but it was the meaning behind the hug that mattered. Frankie might not understand, she might not even approve but the fact that she was willing to try was more than I had really expected.

"How about I put the kettle on," Frankie said with a touch of embarrassment as she stepped back from us.

"That'd be great mum," Craig said with a deep smile, a smile that sparkled in his eyes.

"John Paul?" Hearing her speak my name without bitterness or reproach was almost unbelievable.

"Err yeah, that'd be lovely, thanks."

"Well sit down then," Frankie continued, "Can't have Craig's boyfriend standing around cluttering the place up."

I looked at Craig and smiled as we both sank into the softness of the sofa. It might have taken seven years but in the eyes of Frankie Osbourne I had finally earned the recognition as Craig's boyfriend. It seemed like it was the week for miracles.

----

We stayed in the flat for several hours just talking. Well mainly Craig did the talking. Regaling us with stories of his travels, the places he had been and the people he had met. As he spoke Craig's hand would hold mine or it would rest lightly on my knee. Such simple shows of affection that he seemed to do without even thinking about it. He was so different from the man who had been unable to touch me in public all those years ago. It broke my heart when I parted from Craig, both times, but being with him now, like this, I knew all of the pain had been worth it.

"Craig is that…?" Frankie reached for my arm and pulled it up to expose the watch she had spotted on my wrist.

I held my breath as Craig looked at his mother unfalteringly. I had owned the watch for so long that I had almost forgotten it had started out as a Dean family heirloom and I wasn't sure how Frankie would feel about it being on the wrist of her son's gay boyfriend.

"Yeah it is," Craig replied taking my arm from her and running his hand over the watch's face, "I gave it to him years ago."

"I wondered where it had gone," Frankie replied.

"It was mine," Craig reasoned.

"I know," Frankie said and then looked directly at me, "It suits you… I hope you look after it."

"I do," I said glancing down at the timepiece that had become my most cherished possession, "I treasure it."

----

"We'd better get going," Craig sighed rising to his feet and stretching. The time had flown by and the darkness outside spoke of the lateness of the hour.

"Oh do you have to?" Frankie asked, sorry to see her son ready to depart.

"Yeah we should, don't worry mum, we'll be back soon."

"Thanks for the meal Mrs Osbourne," I said smiling at the woman that I once thought I hated.

"You're welcome love," She replied, "And call me Frankie eh?"

"Thanks Frankie, see you soon…"

----

The pub was closed when we got downstairs and we left through the back door. Frankie hugged her son one last time before returning inside. I think we both felt it was a bit too soon for us to be sharing hugs but a part of me thought that day might actually come.

"That went well," Craig said pulling me into his arms.

"It really did," I agreed in astonishment, "I would never have expected…"

"She's not so bad really you know," Craig said as he held me, "It was just hard for her back then… and she needed someone to blame… I guess it was just easier to blame you."

"It doesn't matter now," I said kissing Craig softly on the lips, "None of it matters… come on we'd better get going… I didn't realise how late it was."

"Let's go for a walk?"

"What?"

"Come on, I've not been here in ages… I'd like to see how the old place looks."

"Craig!" I tried to object but he looked at me with wide puppy dog eyes and my heart melted. "OK," I agreed, "But just for a bit yeah?"

It was the first time we had walked the streets of Hollyoaks together as a couple in this way. Our arms were tight around each other and I was surprised at how relaxed Craig felt against me, even when an occasional stranger passed us by his hold on me never lessened and I knew that he was finally comfortable with who he was.

The night was turning into morning as we walked, laughing at the memories of our youth and the times we had spent together. Our conversation was filled with "Do you remember when…" and "This is the place where…"

Two boys had once walked the streets of Hollyoaks, two boys who had been the best of friends. Now two men followed in those footsteps, those two men were still the best of friends but they were also so much more.

Craig laughed as we approached the alleyway in the centre of the village. "I used to…" Craig paused as if deciding whether or not to continue.

"Use to what?" I asked curiously.

"Doesn't matter."

"No go on…"

Grabbing my hand Craig pulled me into the dark alley. "When we were seeing each other back then… back when it was all still a secret… I used to dream about pulling you in here."

"What for?" I asked and then I saw the dark glint in his eyes and I knew exactly what for.

----

Craig's hands gripped my shoulders firmly as he pushed me back against the wall.

"Craig…" My voice trembled and I don't know if it was caused by concern or desire, "Anyone could walk past."

"I know," Craig said with a grin, his eyes glowing darkly with unbridled desire, "That's what makes it so exciting!"

Craig's kiss was hard and aggressive, his tongue pushed into my mouth as his body ground against mine and a part of me thought I should object, but how could I when it felt so amazing?

Craig was panting as he pulled back from the kiss and the look of complete lust in his eyes made my knees weak.

"I used to imagine this so often," Craig said in a low husky voice, "Pulling you in here… holding you… kissing you…" Craig spoke hotly into my ear, "and fucking you… hard and fast up against that wall… fucking you until you screamed my name…"

"God Craig I…" Craig's words were like the most powerful aphrodisiac and as he spoke I could almost feel the things he described but almost wasn't good enough.

Craig's mouth crashed against mine again as his hand grabbed for my groin, pulling at my belt and reaching for my already semi-erect cock as our tongues collided between us.

I moaned into Craig's mouth as his fingers gripped me firmly, my cock growing rapidly harder at his touch and I pulled him against me in a desperation to have him as close as possible.

"Turn around," Craig told me and I wasn't sure if it was an instruction or a request but either way I had no objection as I turned from him, resting my hands against the cool brickwork of the wall.

I could feel the chilled night air caressing my buttocks as Craig eased my trousers down, quickly followed by the warmth of his hands that seemed to tremble slightly as they touched me.

"I'd forgotten just how much you turn me on," Craig breathed against my neck, "How much I always want you…"

I gasped at the sensation of Craig's finger suddenly pushing into me. The invasion of my body was hard and rough and I clawed at the wall with my nails as he forced a second finger deep into me making me moan loudly.

"Craig… oh god Craig…" I couldn't think, I could hardly find the words to speak as his fingers plunged deeper into me making me shake with desire.

I heard the sound of a zip pulling down and then the head of Craig's cock was pushing against me, forcing its way inside the flesh that was barely prepared to take it making me cry out at the sudden rush of pain.

Craig hesitated for a second but that was the last thing I wanted.

"God Craig don't stop," I begged, "Please don't stop."

With a single hard thrust Craig's cock was deep inside me, filling me completely and making me yell out again as he started to move his hips.

Craig drove his cock hard and fast into me, slamming against my body with each thrust and driving the air from my lungs.

A few hours earlier, as we lay together in my bed, we had made love gently and slowly, celebrating our feelings in that perfect physical act. And now, as Craig held me to the wall and fucked me hard I knew that there were so many different ways to express your feelings and, as rough and aggressive as this was, I knew that it was still centred in our love.

Craig grabbed at my cock and rubbed it hard and fast, his hand running over it in time to the deep thrusts into my body. I could feel my cock throbbing heavily and I knew that it wouldn't be long before I came.

Craig's teeth sank into my neck as I pushed back against him, driving his cock ever deeper into me and bringing me closer to climax.

"God Craig fuck me," I begged in a voice that any passing stranger might hear, but I was no longer concerned about anything but the feeling of Craig deep inside me, "Fuck me hard I…"

My words were lost in heavy moans as Craig's thrusts into me connected with that perfect spot just as his hand gripped me tighter and I had no resistance to him. I shook violently and screamed out his name as I came, my cock spattering the wall before me as it pulsed out my lust.

Craig was saying my name over and over and he wrapped an arm tightly around my chest, pulling me against him as he thrust deep into me, filling me with his orgasm and shuddering inside me as he came.

I don't know how long we stood in that embrace, motionless but for the heaving of our chests as we fought to catch our breath. Finally Craig stepped back from me, his deflated cock slipping from my body.

As I pulled my trousers back around my waist I turned back to Craig to see him adjusting his clothes as he leant against the opposite wall.

I laughed softly. "You know Craig," I said leaning against the wall next to him, "If you have any more of these fantasies you should tell me!"

Craig laughed as he grabbed my jacket; pulling me close to him he kissed me firmly but gently this time.

"God I love you," he said looking deep into my eyes.

"You'd better," I told him with a smile, "Coz you're not getting away from me again!"

"That's OK, I've got no intention of trying to!"

"Good," I touched his face softly and kissed him, "Coz I couldn't stand being without you again… I love you so much Craig…"

I held Craig tightly for a minute, relishing the feeling of him in my arms. "So NOW can we head home?" I asked.

"Not yet," Craig said taking my hand and heading down the alleyway, "There just one more place I want to go first."

----

Craig's hand held mine warmly as we resumed our journey that had been so unexpectedly and excitingly interrupted. The first hints of morning were starting to scratch through the darkness of the night but I didn't feel tired, being with Craig had me on such a high that sleep was the furthest thing from my mind.

As we walked I recognised the direction we were heading and it brought a smile to my lips. Somehow it seemed right and fitting to go back there, there was a completion about it and an ending to what had gone before.

The stone bridge was dark and abandoned and the water shone mysteriously below holding in the secrets that it had been told.

"D'you remember the last time we were here?" Craig asked letting go of my hand and leaning onto the rough stone wall, looking over into the slow moving waters.

"I remember," I replied standing next to him. I could still recall the haunted figure that I had seen that day on the bridge, the broken man who had chosen to walk away from everything he knew in an effort to become the person he wanted to be. "I didn't know if I'd ever see you again after that day," I said quietly.

"Honestly," Craig replied, "Neither did I… I didn't know if I'd ever have the strength to come back again… when I walked away I didn't even know if I wanted to come back."

Craig's confession surprised me and I looked at him quizzically. Despite everything I had always believed that Craig had wanted to return to me even if he never found the way.

"I don't mean that I didn't want you," Craig explained as he saw the hurt look in my eyes, "But I'd had enough of everything that seemed to follow us… hurting people… letting everyone down… my mum's disappointment in me… for a while I thought it would be simpler to stay away for good…"

"So what changed?"

I don't think I had ever seen Craig's eyes a softer shade of brown as he looked at me, they sparkled gently, glistening like the water below us and I knew he was the most beautiful sight I would ever see.

"I did," Craig said, "Being away from you… from here… I discovered what was important."

"And what was that?"

"Love," Craig answered in a matter of fact voice, "Before you I never really understood what it meant. I thought I did but it was always about me… what I could get out of it… with you it's different… it's…"

"What?"

"With you it's about making you happy… whatever it takes…"

"You do," I told Craig, "More than you can know."

Craig slipped his arm around my waist and our heads rested together as we looked out over the bridge. The water below us snaked off into the unseen distance and the trees hung darkly over its edge, shrouding the water in secrecy.

As we stood together in silence the first beams of morning light broke through the hold that the dark had on the sky sending shards of gold rippling through the water. Within minutes the sky shone with a deep red light and the water below us looked as if it were on fire. The sight was breathtaking and I sighed my appreciation.

"I know it's not a beach," Craig said holding me tightly, "But I still wanted to share this with you…"

"How did you know it would be so beautiful this morning?" I asked in a hushed tone.

"It had to be," Craig said, "I ordered it for you!"

I kissed Craig's cheek and snuggled closer into him as we continued to watch the beauty of the sunrise together.

"You know," Craig said once the suns light fully illuminated the sky, "If this was a Hollywood ending you would agree to marry me about now… and then we'd go back to rounding up the cattle."

I looked at Craig in surprise. Did he just say… "Marry?" I repeated.

"I don't want to be without you any more," Craig said taking my hands and hitting me with the full force of his soft chocolate gaze, "Not for a single second."

"But… but… marry?" My head swam at the idea and my heart sang at the thought.

Craig let go of one hand and dipped into his pocket.

"I found this a long time ago, on my travels, in an old antique shop… I didn't even know if I would ever get the chance to give it to you then but I had to get it… I've been carrying it around ever since…"

Holding out his hand I saw a silver ring resting on his palm.

"As soon as I saw it I knew it was ours," Craig continued, "As soon as I read the engraving."

I picked the ring up carefully and turned it towards the light. In a soft gentle script around the edge were carved the words "Love Always." I felt tears prick at my eyes as I lifted my gaze from the ring to Craig's gently beautiful face.

"I can't offer you a Hollywood ending," I said quietly as I looked into Craig's eyes, "Will a Hollyoaks one do instead?" I slipped the ring on my finger as I spoke and it moved into place as if it had been made for me.

"Can I take that as a yes?" Craig asked taking my hand and looking at the ring shining on my finger.

"Did you ever doubt it?" I asked as I pulled him close to me and kissed him deeply.

----

When I was young I had always thought that growing up would be easy. I expected to fall in love with a beautiful girl and get married. It was the way things were supposed to happen and I saw no reason to expect my life not to follow that pattern. Even when I realised that I noticed the good looking boys more than the pretty girls I told myself it was just a passing phase and I would get over it when I met the "right girl".

All that changed the day I met Craig Dean. Falling in love with him didn't happen over night and for the longest time he was simply my best friend. The guy I could share everything with, my hopes and dreams, my insecurities and fears, there was nothing we couldn't face together.

When I realised I was in love with him the idea terrified me and I tried everything to make that feeling go away. Even to the extent of hurting people along the way, using them to prove to myself that I wasn't what I knew I was. But the harder I tried not to love him the deeper I fell until I had to admit there was no escape.

Craig Dean was the one true love of my life and nothing was ever going to change that.

When I was young I had always thought that growing up would be easy. I expected to fall in love with a beautiful girl and get married. I learned that growing up could be hard and painful and there was nothing easy about it.

I did fall in love, but not with a beautiful girl.

I fell in love with a beautiful man instead.

Standing on the old stone bridge at the edge of the village that had been my home for many years, and had been the place where I found love, I kissed the man of my dreams, the man of my future.

"Let's go home," Craig whispered to me as he held me close.

"I already am," I told him and I was. Wherever Craig Dean was… that was my home.


End file.
